When Google Doesn't Have the Answers

Tuesday morning on my commute to work, I was walking down Randolph street turning off Clinton. I was approaching an elderly white man who was walking in the opposite direction. He looked at me and yelled "Monkey!" Fuck. So at first, as the words were coming out his mouth, I thought he was going to say "move" or "move it." It finally registered as I walked a few paces past him. At first I felt numb. I began thinking, "Wow, that's a first. Guess there's a first time for everything." Then "That didn't hurt. It doesn't have to hurt if I don't let it." Then "I'm not even sure that's what he said."

Indifference. Denial. Reasoning. Denial.

So then I continue on with my morning routine. I walk into work, make a pot of coffee, heat up my breakfast sandwich and go to my desk. I set my things down and go to the window. I'm looking for him. I'm wondering if I'll see him or hear him do the same to somebody else but of course he's long gone.

So I go back to my desk and then I Google "old white man called me a monkey" on my phone.

I'll be honest I use Google for any and everything. Google is my resource to find answers to any question I may have. At this current moment I need answers. What do you do in a situation like that? There's no hotline number to call. My incident was also so fleeting. By the time I realized what was happening the man was gone, the moment passed. I mean maybe I could have run after him but then what? Then what?

To le Google.

The first thing I get from my search is an article on The Root. A black man details a dinner experience where his wife, who is also black, entertains an old white acquaintance and her spouse. The acquaintance, after living in Australia for some time, commented on how aboriginal people look "simian." The husband was completely floored by the comment and didn't react. He was asking what he should done if anything. The Root editor suggested that there was still time to address the issue and that he absolutely should address it. She suggested he say something like, “People have said that about African Americans, too. Hopefully [insert your wife’s name] and I don’t look ‘simian’ to you—or do we?”

Can't really have this type of conversation with racist pops though can I. That fucker would problem say yes anyway. Moving On.

The article goes on to talk about how this terrible comparison between black people and monkeys is actually extremely harmful to black bodies. The editor sites a study by Phillip Atiba Goff, Ph.D who is an assistant professor of psychology at UCLA. In the study students, a group of white men from Penn State, were primed with images of big cats or apes and then shown images of a victim being beaten by police. Half of the participants were told the victim was white and the other half were told the victim was black. The race of the victim was unidentifiable in the film. When primed with a cat and shown the video students called the beating unjustified. When primed with apes and told the victim was white they also called the beating unjustified. But when primed with apes and then told the victim was black the students in the study weren't sure whether the beating was justified or not. Goff stated, "The association between black and ape left our white respondents more open to the possibility that police violence might in fact be justified."

Mmmm. That's nice. There's nothing quite as delicious as disheartening realities for breakfast.

The next Google result was a question on Quora where someone, who may be Indian, asked "What should I say when someone calls me a monkey?" Okay, this may work. The author says they've been called a monkey and may continue to be insulted that way. They're looking for some type of comeback. I could use a quick quip, I'm not good at reading people on the fly. HOWEVER, The answer he received was utterly terrible. Some idiot said "I would recommend you laugh if off." His reasoning being, once they see it doesn't bother him they'll stop. Yeah right. His next brilliant suggestion was to say "I may be a monkey but I got the biggest banana." 

Oh internet, why?

The next Google result that caught my eye was an old video compilation of Oprah being called a monkey on her own damn show. She asked a white man to his face if because she's black that means she's a monkey and he said it was a proven fact. Where'd you get your learnin' and who telled you that Cletus? Oh yeah that's right in the US of racist ass A. (Bestowed as a blessed gift from European culture and ideologies)

What the fuck do I do with this?

Racism completely baffles me. It makes absolutely no sense that some one who doesn't even know me can hate me. I remember first coming upon that revelation when I was younger and just balling my eyes out. I was a super sweet little girl and I just couldn't comprehend people disliking me for being black. I remember having crushes on white actors on the Disney channel (I'm looking at you Leonardo DiCaprio. He was my everything in Growing Pains). To realize back then that my crushes could hate me, because who the hell really knows how they feel about black people, it just hurt. And it still hurts now.

And what do I do with my hurt? And how do I process my pain? How do I coexist with this hate and the mundane occurrences of my everyday life? To come into work and pretend as if nothing happened that morning was the weirdest feeling ever. Like okay. That happened, I guess we're moving on now.

So here's the one time in my life Google has failed me. But even with it's vast amount of knowledge how could a search engine really answer any of the questions I've posed here? How can any human being? Who among you knows the answer?

You got the light, count it all joy
You got the right to be mad
But when you carry it alone you find it only getting in the way
They say you gotta let it go
-Solange