In loving Memory

I remember what it felt like to be in love. It was everything I thought it would be. It was unapologetic. It was blameless. It was sweet and kind. It was so warm. I loved to rub my face in it. To bury myself in it. Let it envelope me completely. I love to be consumed by love. Eaten alive. Raw. That love was so precious and fragile. It meant everything to me. I never knew a love like that before. It was everything I dreamed of. Everything I wanted. I needed. It was long nights of conversation. It was long nights of silence. It was stupid pet names. It was wet kisses. It was light pecks on the chest. It was handfuls of meaty flesh. It was contours and curves. Damn it was. That love just was, everything. It was loving my insecurities. It was really understanding who I was. It was seeing through me. That love was comfort. Comfortable. My little secret. My big little secret. It was a smile, a stare, a gaze. A kiss. The best kisses. The only kisses that ever mattered. The only kisses I really wanted. That love was fingertips sliding over warm caramel skin.  That love was. It was telling my deepest secrets, desires and ambitions. It was telling my whole life. It was wishing and dreaming and hoping and maybe even praying for a happily ever after. It was sneaking away. Far away. It was in a warm embrace. It was being held. It was being loved. Damn. DAMN.

BUT.......

That love was bondage. That love was constricted. That love was stolen.

And deep down inside I feel that love churning. Awakening within me. I want to know it again. To feel it again. But this time. Time. Time is an unstable creature. Time did me in. It was too late. I was too late. He was too late. He should have waited. He should have waited for me but he didn't. So this time I have to ignore the pang in my gut. This time I have to fight the urge.

And though it hurts, it's right. It's a justified pain. Because as much as I want love, I want a free love even more. No secrets. No hiding. No shame.

I am so tired of this same ole song. I want something new, different, beautiful, and mine. All mine. I don't want leftovers or hand me downs or scraps or stolen goods. I don't want damaged goods or used goods, or extra baggage. I don't want animosity, or bitterness or competition.  Why can't I have what I want? It always evades me and I just don't get it. I've never actually been in a relationship with someone that I wanted. That I really truly wanted. Instead I've gotten blindsided by persistence, by nice guys, by good guys, with a good head on their shoulders. I've been blindsided by compromise. I settle for less. And I trick myself into "loving" them. I don't love them. I didn't love them. I didn't love them like I loved him. Nothing compares. Nothing is even close. I want what I want. I don't want to compromise.

I want like at first sight. Immediate attraction. I want to love and love hard, uninhibited by anyone or anything, any mother, any brother, any sister, any child, any ex-girlfriend, any baby's mother. Anyone. I want my love to awaken him and for every ounce of it to be needed. There will be no such thing as too much love. Loving freely must be the most wonderful feeling in the world. I can't wait to know what that feels like.