Identity Crisis

2015 was a real wake up call for me, but let me back up. In October of 2014 I decided that I would take a leap of faith and move to Los Angeles from Chicago. I had just completed the MS in Cinema Production program at DePaul University, which really nurtured and solidified my love for video editing. It even began to pique my interest in visual effects and graphic design. I was determined to get a job at a post-production house that did trailer work. I had experience doing longer formats; I edited a weekly 30-minute talk show at a small production company in Chicago. I had also done tons of sizzle reels and commercials at the same company and even at my church. Sizzle reels are by far my favorite format.

Before leaving, I had gone to several networking and career workshop events at DePaul. It was not uncommon for someone(s) at these events to advocate moving to LA. Many of our professors, who were currently or had previously worked in the industry, reiterated the same idea: “That’s where the industry is, that’s where you need to be. You can do it.” I remember hearing a group of panelist made up of industry professionals at one event saying things like “Just go for it.” And “Don’t worry about moving; it’ll all work out somehow.” If I needed a sign, there was my sign right?

When I graduated from DePaul I had saved up a nice little nest egg and with the encouragement of professors, my fellow peers, and my mother I said: “Okay I’ll jump.”

I did a lot of research on the best places to live in LA (Walkscore was the clutchest of clutches) and also the cheapest rentals (Hello Zillow). Moving to a new state on the other side of the country is kind of a big deal. If I was going to make it out there my budget had to be right and tight. My research steered me to downtown LA. This was the most affordable location, with the best transportation system and plenty of shopping, grocery stores, restaurants and even clubs for entertainment.

DTLA

Now the reason Downtown LA is so cheap is because it’s pretty close to Skid Row. You haven’t seen the devastation of homelessness until you’ve seen Skid Row. Beyond there, no matter where you go, unless you’re in like the Palisades, homeless people are literally everywhere in LA. 

But downtown still has a lot to offer; shopping at Figat7th, LA Live and the Staples Center, the Regal Theater, tons of restaurants, and several nightclubs. DTLA is also where the jewelry and financial districts are located.

However, DTLA is on the up and up (read: gentrification). They’re building super expensive lofts, they already have a Whole Foods, a few Starbucks and I’m pretty sure that in a few years they’ll find a way to completely remove the homeless population from the area (emphasis on remove). But that won’t be for a while. So in the mean time I would say capitalize on some of the dirt-cheap apartments while you can; I’m sure they won’t last. 

Now let’s talk about said apartments. Whew. Honey. My apartment was 150 square feet. Yes you read that correctly. I had a sink (a bathroom sink), a microwave, a mini fridge, a small closet and that was about all it came with. The bathrooms were communal. (For an extra monthly fee you could get an apartment with your own bathroom included, but you know, budget.) There were four single occupant commodes on each floor and there were four floors in the building. Sounds a mess right? Well my rent was also only $575 with heat, electricity and water included. For LA that’s freaking amazing but Lord knows I paid for that apartment in other ways. I’ll tell you about it in another post. Okay so I moved. Check. Decent Location. Check. Apartment. Check. Now let’s talk about jobs……

**Cricket**Chirp**Cricket**Chirp**Cricket**Chirp**Cricket**Chirp**Cricket**Chirp**

It was pretty much like that for 6 months. 6 MONTHS. I sent out so many resumes/cover letters, filled out so many applications, I’m talking HUNDREDS and I had a smooth 2 interviews for entry-level positions at 2 different post houses. No offers. What the entire fuck?

Now let’s go deeper.

I was an A/B student all my life. Standardize tests? I slayed. I went to Walter Payton College Prep for high school, then The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (3.23 GPA), then DePaul University in Chicago (3.93 GPA). In high school I took jobs during the summer and in both undergrad and graduate school I had part-time jobs. So all my life I’ve been either in school or at work and I am damn good at both.

On top of that, I was finally here: Done with school and ready to become financially independent, in LA ready to live the dream, supporting myself, by myself. Oh Happy Day.

To get to this point and then not be able to find a job was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced in my life. I was work. I was school. I was earning and contributing all my life. But for six months I couldn’t do any of that. For six months I filled out application after application in my shoe box apartment. For six months I was rejected and I couldn’t figure out why. I had experience. I edited for TV. I had a healthy portfolio. I had the skills. But I could not find a job.

Looking back now I can say my first mistake was only applying for the jobs I wanted. Now I know that sounds weird. Why would you apply for a job that you don’t really want? I’ll tell you why. While I was searching and searching to no avail, my nest egg evaporated. If I had been working somewhere at least I’d still have my savings, at least I wouldn’t have had to live off of it. 

So now what? It’s April. My least is up at the end of the month. I don’t have any money for next month’s rent even if I wanted to stay. So then. Then is when I started to apply for jobs outside of my industry. And I got one. 

As a cashier. 

At a café. 

Me. 

Two degrees and I’m working at a café as a cashier. 
My life was in shambles. But hey, at least I got to stay in LA.

This was on my last day. There were tears. Mi familia.

While I was working at the Blue Ladder Café I was the most depressed I have ever been in my life. See, I was completely molded by my dreams for as long as I’ve had them. Everything I did was in preparation for what I thought was to come, who I thought I was to become and for the things I wanted to accomplish. For that to culminate in working as a cashier in LA and living in an apartment that I couldn’t even entertain in; I felt SO ashamed. I was an embarrassment to everyone who ever said they believed in me.

I used to think about my friends and family, my old coworkers and teachers. They would say so many wonderful things about me, about who I would become. Look how badly I had let them down. How could I talk to them, tell them about my life and how things were going? I couldn’t. Only my closest friends knew what I was going through. I never talked about work on social media. My life via the lens of facebook was beaches and food, good times all around. 

I avoided calls from my Chicago acquaintances who were trying to check in on me, for a very long time.

Even meeting new people was a struggle. I didn’t realize it until then, but the first thing people ask you is “What do you do?” That’s an extension of “Who are you?” and people make assumptions about you based on your answer. Do you realize how much anxiety that causes someone who’s ashamed of their job or isn’t where they want to be in life? If you don’t have a “decent” job and they find you have degrees, plural, child you might as well have a horn jutting out of your forehead. The looks you get honey, let me tell you! There’s always that drop in their tone, “Oh,” they look down and then pause for a moment of silence. They mourn for your loss. 

I can honestly say that my church is what kept me sane. That church is the reason I stayed as long as I did. New City Church of Los Angeles, my godsend. I had found the church on Google, because Google is life, in December of 2014. I had been attending since then and participating in their grow and serve groups. The grow groups are basically people from the church meeting at a designated time and place to discuss Sunday’s sermon, talk about their week, get prayer for whatever they needed and just hang out with one another. (And eat).

Be still my heart. DTLA Mixed Group

I fell in love with that church so hard I’m still feeling the effects to this day. There were just so many loving people there. They got me through those tough times. They were there for me those six months while I was out of work, praying for me and loving on me. They even celebrated with me when I got my dinky little cashier job. They gave me so much encouragement. Most importantly they challenged me to see my true self. They recognized that the mirror I had been using up until them was extremely distorted.

I had an identity crisis. I thought I was my work. I thought I was my job or school or whatever I was doing. If I had nothing, then I was nothing. That’s what I told myself. But of course that was a big fat lie and my New City family would tell me that, would show me that over and over again.

I’m not the work I do. As a Christian my identity is tied to God not to things or titles or jobs. I am not worthy because I have prestige or I make six figures. I am worthy because God says I am. 

He calls us friend. He calls us his precious treasure. He formed us, died for us, and adopted us. He sees us for who we truly are and recognizes our potential. We all have the ability and opportunity to do great things. And you don’t have to be a famous movie director, or an astronaut or even a Christian. Right where you are, right where you work and play you can positively contribute to your environment and the people connected to you. Relationships, that’s what’s really important. They are what carry you, what carried me, when you go through your own personal hells.

New City Media Team, Yeeeey Yeeeey!

I’m going to be completely honest. I still have trouble with this. Like I said, all my life I have been preparing to be “somebody,” a well paid somebody with a good job, a house, and a car. That’s what the world says is the most important, you know, “The American Dream.” It’s an everyday battle not to feel like working and hustling and achieving and growing and climbing and being on “30 under 30” lists, are the only worthwhile markers of success.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are great but honey, the “30 under 30” list only has 30 spots on it. If being on this list or any other “list” is your marker of success you are setting yourself up for failure and selling yourself short. Why stress about fitting in such a narrow box, that’s only made to house very specific groups of privileged people. I mean let’s be real, racism, prejudice, sexism, and homophobia to name a few, are all systemic and they absolutely affect your ability to be “traditionally” successful.

It’s not that I don’t want you to try. Try and try again dammit. I just don’t want you to break when these systems let you down by doing what they’re designed to do. I want you to recognize and appreciate the parts of you that don’t fit in that box. I want you to recognize their worth and power and put them to use for the good of your community wherever that may be. Focus on relationships. I know it’s hard to think about cultivating relationships and being a “light” when you feel so dark. But whether you realize it or not, a light is exactly what you are for some people. So shine honey. Glow up.

It still hurts, my pride especially, that I’m not an editor or even remotely tied to my industry. Currently I am a receptionist, yippee. When I'm feeling weak or helpless the voice in my head talks its trash out of its trash mouth, but now I can recognize the lies because I had people in my corner advocating for me. I had people who could look at me, see my true self and then tell me what they saw. They gave me a new mirror. 

I know there are millions of people out there like me. I’m here to tell you, whether you believe in God(s) or not, you are more than what you do. Your value is not in your work or your education. Even if you have an amazing, prestigious job and you make tons of money, that’s not what makes you valuable. You are valuable simply because you exist. You are important and necessary and needed in this world. As you journey through it you’ll become a lot of things, some you’ll like and some you won’t. But wherever you are and whatever you’re doing you bring your own light and that helps us all see a little better.