Lies We Tell Ourselves
I have a problem with men. Men excite me. They awaken in me a lustful nature, a nature that's always been there. It has taken over my mind and my senses for as long as I can remember.
I have a problem with sex, with false intimacy, with feeling. I crave these things. I fall to these things. My flesh is weak to these things.
At the same time I am a christian and I want to be righteous. I want to love and treat others in a way that is pleasing to God.
But the way my lust is set up.....
This is one area of my life that I realize I haven't given over to the Lord. My flesh and my spirit wrestle with each other, have always wrestled with each other in this area. One minute I'm in it, down for the cause. The next I am remorseful, reflective, convicted. I invite and indulge. I reject and rebuke. I am neither hot or cold. I am lukewarm
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I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
-Revelations 3:15-16 (NIV)
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Neither hot or cold. I can't refresh you on a hot day or keep you toasty on a cold one. I provide you no solace. Too warm to invigorate you. Too cold to soothe your bones. I give you no solace. You cannot find any comfort in me. I am a complicated mix. I am a contradiction. I make no sense.
Ouch.
I see it now. I see it in nearly every relationship I've had. And I'm not here to blame the men. Because everything they called to was already inside of me. Nothing new was created. The lit fire was just kindled. They are not completely blameless, but more importantly neither am I.
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Shame on the world for tempting you, but shame on you for not building yourself up in the Word to protect against temptation.
-You KNOW the world is full of BS and to fail to guard yourself against it is a gross neglect.-
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Had I been hot or cold there would have been fewer issues in my relationships. It's easy right? Yes or no. Wrong or right. But me, I could not chose one or the other. So I chose both. I wrapped them in my soft body, kissed their temple, sent shivers down their spines, told them I loved them, made them feel like "men." But soon after I rebuked them. I blamed them. I ignored them. I vilified them. I denied them.
I think the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I swore to myself all I wanted from them was love. I promised myself that I could love them. Love them like no one else could. I made myself the victim every time things went sour. And I claimed that when it ended I was the one who felt like I lost a part of myself.
But maybe I was the villain. I realize now these relationships had less to do with men and me, and more to do with God and me. I was the taker. Back and forth between two worlds, belief and unbelief. Godliness and ungodliness. Pillaging whatever I sought out. Leaving behind the things I didn't think I needed. Things I could do without. Because I know what's best for me, not God.....
Only I don't.
My heart ached. I felt used. Sometimes unloved, unwanted. Even while taking the best of both worlds I found misery quite easily.
I cried over all of the sour relationships in my life, except one. I never cried over God and the damage I was doing to our relationship.
Priorities. Get them in order.
And now I ponder, why did I cry at all? Why did I hurt? Was it really because of the men I swear I loved? Or was it because I realized I could no longer have what I wanted from them?
Though I did it, I knew tip toeing back and forth across the lines of belief and unbelief was wrong. And sometimes my spirit will even convict me so much that I leave the situation on my own.
But when I left I wasn't crying over loved lost. I cried because I was spoiled. Because I couldn't have what I wanted. The feelings, the false intimacy, the sex.
It wasn't about God, wasn't about the men, but it was all about me. My wants, my needs. Or what I thought I needed anyway.
This is the first time I've ever been introduced to this part of me. I'm not as pretty as I thought. In fact there is an ugliness about me. It captivates me. Terrible to look at but mesmerizing none the less.
I am a liar. I am a manipulator. I am selfish. I am self centered. I am self righteous. I am arrogant.
So who are you?
And before you answer that, really think about it. Think about not just who you say you are, but think about what you actually do. Beware the story you tell yourself about you, loves. We all struggle with sin and there is an ugliness, a darkness that lies inside of all of us. It is your job to discover and confront your darkness. Shine a light. Free yourselves.
