Toxic Love: In My Feelings

They seem to pop up out of nowhere. 

First its just a causal observation. "Oh my, how cute you are, sir." 

Then it turns in to a general realization, "Wow I really like her." 

Then it turns into ogling, "D*** boy you look good today!" 

Then it turns into lust, "Boy you better get your fine self out my face before I lick you!"

Then it turns into delusion, "Our babies would be so cute. He's so sweet and caring, I bet they'd be little angles. 

Then it turns to delusional whining, "Why aren't you mine? We would be so great together! I could be your everything." 

Then you start scheming, "Oh, you working late tonight? Darn I think I got some extra stuff to do to, guess its just me and you....alone...together.....whew who turned on the heat!?!?" 

OR "Is he going to be there? He is? Well let me just throw on this new dress, heels, Victoria Secret AND Bath and Body Works fragrance, buy some makeup, put on said makeup, make a walk in hair appointment, get a manicure, pedicure, eyebrow threading, and I'll meet you up there in a few." 

THEN it turns into obsession, *Looking at cellphone* "I wonder what he's doing? I should call him. But what am I going to say? I don't really want anything. I wonder what he would say? Then you proceed to fantasize about a call you never really intended to make in the first place, you NUT! 

Then you go to the throne, "GOD if you just hear my prayer. I loves him Jesus. Lawd show me the way. Have your way. My life is in your hands sweet Jesus, so long as you hook us up."

Ok, so maybe you aren't that bad, but your feelings will have you "outchea in dese skreets." It's hard. Feelings can be so completely overwhelming, they will set up shop in your mind and stay there for as long as you let them. But that's part of the good news, you control your feelings and if you haven't you should definitely try it on for size. Your feelings only have as much power as you give them. No one is making you fantasize about homie but you. No one put a gun to your head and told you to recount every conversation you ever had or reread every text you ever sent. That's all you.

This becomes especially bothersome when you know you shouldn't even be having these feelings. So if you're really tired of all the craziness your emotions are pulling you through, here's a suggestion: STOP THE FOOLERY! 

Now I'm not speaking on situations where getting together with this person is a good thing. If you really like this guy/girl and you think they're good for you then by all means man up and try to talk to them. See where it goes, it could be great. 

BUT, if you guys cannot be together for whatever reason: They're in a relationship, they're no good for you (i.e. they're manipulative and you know it), or they genuinely do not like you, you must pump the breaks. There's nothing more idiotic than obsessing over someone you can't have. Trust me I've played the fool enough for the both of us.

And yet your feelings still be in there like swimwear! It's obvious that it would never work but here you are rearranging the universe and your current reality so you guys can be together, in your mind. Come here boo.

First realize that it is absolutely normal to feel this way. Everyone wants to love and be loved. Plus, there are some amazing people out there. Even those with issues, have something about them that's loveable and worth loving.

But when you know the love/relationship with the other person is not yours to have, why put yourself through the heartache? What's the purpose of dreaming up all these fantasizes and alternate realities if they stand no chance in real world. All you're doing is setting yourself up for failure and heartbreak. You will either end up driving yourself crazy with your delusions (less likely) or  go against all logic/reason/morality/sense and try to kindle some stuff that shouldn't be kindled (more likely).

BUT......

"It's HARD. I want to stop feeling for them but I can't. I love them."

Boop. Boop. Stop right there honey bun. You're reaching.

1. Yes its hard to control your emotions but it isn't impossible.
2. Child Boom. You (probably) don't love them.

Love is not a feeling and you're feeling it all. What have they done to deserve your love? I'm talking about practical things. Not "Oh he called me beautiful" like has a nigga paid a bill? Do you even really know who they are? Chances are you're just crushing on them.

3. And....

So you really, truly, 110% love them. OK, not to sound harsh, but what's love go to do with it? Just because you love or fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean that they're in fact "THE ONE" *cue pyro and fireworks* Love does not discriminate, love doesn't care if they're the one, love is looking for love, and you can find love everywhere and in everyone. You need another method of detection. Plus, if someone isn't good for you, even if you love them, you need to walk away. You deserve better and you can have better if you don't settle.

***WARNING***
IF you don't get your feelings together you could find yourself in trouble. There's nothing worse than giving in to misguided feelings. Especially when those feelings produce toxic consequences, "It ain't worth it Miss Celie." After you've indulged and let this person into your heart, what are you going to do when reality comes a knocking? What are you going to do when you find out: "this nigga really is crazy," "I'm just the side piece" or worse, "they don't really care about me." The latter has ultimately been the story of my life when it comes to me throwing caution to the wind and being with someone I know I shouldn't. Then what? You're in much deeper than before, hurting worse than before and now you don't even have that loser to comfort you!

You is kind. You is smart. You is important. And you don't need that sh*t in your life!!
****************************************************************************
 
So you really want to control your emotions but you don't know how?

Well here are a few quick tips:

1. Stop with the fantasies.

Ain't nobody about to pop up at your door, ain't nobody about to call you and profess their love, ain't nobody leaving their current situation to start something with you! Who has the time for this madness? Not I!

2. Occupy your mind with something else.

Get a hobby! Spend time with your friends NOT talking about your crush. Go have an adventure! Read a book! There are so many other things you can do besides think about your crush. There's a whole world out there boo.

3. Stop calling or texting the

That's not your man. That's not your woman. Leave them alone. You don't want anything anyway. Chances are you're going to say something stupid, that's going to lead you down the wrong path (pillow talk and side piece avenue). Zip them lips! Put the phone down! As a matter of fact.....

4. Distance yourself.

Stop going out of your way to be around them. You can't get someone off your mind if you're always in their face.

5. Realize this isn't healthy.

Stop torturing yourself love. If it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. You deserve better than your fantasies and delusions. There is a worthwhile, fruitful relationship out there, but realize that this ain't that.

6. Be viciously honest about the cons of the situation.

Don't lie to yourself. You know that these feelings are nothing but trouble but why? Really dig deep to answer that. There's an ugly truth to why you continue to indulge in things you know are bad for you.

I hope this helps you take control of your feelings and emotions darlings. 

Good Luck,

-Jasmine